Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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