My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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