This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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