I met the friendliest cop last night
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
