Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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