zippers are such a cool invention
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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