Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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