So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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