You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
