My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
