i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
