Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
