They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
