Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
