it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You did what with his pubic hair?
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