This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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