If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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