forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
