There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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