She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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