my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
