I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
