you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
