I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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