i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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