so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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