i just sent this text using only my big toe
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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