Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
