Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
