Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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