So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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