you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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