I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
