guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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