I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
