She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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