Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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