First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We left the knife in your bed.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
