May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
