so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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