Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
