I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
