i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
