I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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