I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
