I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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