It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
