It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
