meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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