i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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